Day #55

     I want to Thank you all for reading my blog, it means a lot to me that you do!!  People in 10 countries are reading, and I am so thrilled! Do all of you share autism with me? I'd love to know your stories.

     Since it is after 1am "technically" it is Day #55 even though I haven't gone to bed yet. I'm sitting up tonight thinking about what life will be like for Max when he's an adult. Katie and I want our boys to live together when they grow up. It is a really touchy subject for a lot of us, but for me.... I know it is a subject that can't be avoided.
    I used to shutter at the thought of Max not living with me when he's an adult, but there are so many reasons why keeping him home would be unfair to him. I will grow old... we all will, and being able to give him what he needs when I am elderly will not be possible. What happens when I can no longer drive him around? If I use a walker or develop Alzheimer's? What if I am in poor health and need caregivers myself? I often feel guilty for thinking about it, but one thing that always crosses my mind is my death. If I keep him with me until I die.... what would happen if I died in my sleep? He wouldn't understand why I wasn't waking up. He would possibly not know how to call for help... How much time would pass before someone came to see if everything was ok? Would he be alone for hours, days? That makes my heart ache...
     Suddenly his life would be turned inside out, and new and strange people would be putting him somewhere new, somewhere he would not know anyone. He wouldn't have a choice, and that would be my fault, because I didn't consider his life without me in it... ya know?
     I want to be able to decide with him what his home will look like and who will be living with him, as well as who is caring for him when I can no longer do it. I know a lot of people who won't even entertain the thought of their child not being with them always, but avoiding reality isn't going to change what it is.
     I think the biggest issue is, when we think of the future for our children, we look at our sweet sons and daughters faces at this moment in time, through our eyes... at this moment in time... not what it will be like in a decade or two. We all struggle with our children growing up... we all struggle with growing old, but its going to happen. I will somehow come to terms with it... over time, but several years from now when I do have to make those hard decisions for him, I at least will have the peace of mind that I made sure he would be ok... when I am gone.

Until tomorrow..........