Day #51

I have to write 4 posts tonight, that have sat in a notebook as the last few days have passed.... Christmas madness overcomes me. So here we go....

     So its Christmas Eve, tonight at 11pm, I finally got my little tree decorated, I could never get it to stand up, so it kind of leans against the wall. How sad.... Jay says its the Charlie Brown Christmas tree, because hanging one ornament literally knocked it over... time and time again. It was a pretty sad sight BUT... at least I decorated it before midnight. Better late than never right?
     I tried so hard to have the holiday spirit.... I tried so hard to find it, but it just never surfaced. I wish someone could have wrapped it up and put it under the tree for me, but its not there. In fact there is nothing under my tree. I think that may be part of the problem. My x husband didn't bother to send the boys Christmas money... which is usually the way I get to fill the tree every year. So I looked at this lonely little empty tree and was devastated.
     I had several vhs tapes for Max, that I wrapped up so he will see something in the morning, its about the only thing he likes anyway, and Grandma and Aunt Tiki will be here tomorrow with lots of goodies for the boys. For Jay, I had a couple gift cards. Oh my god, I can't remember a Christmas like this, but its been a rough couple of months. I kept hoping that their Dad would come through, but he didn't and that is just tragic.... The most tragic thing really, is that he doesn't think cruel that really is.
     I made a decision about it all though... I am done trying. Done trying to make him see the light, done trying to make him appreciate what he's disregarding. It doesn't work. I know Jays feeling are hurt, and Max?... I don't know for sure, but if the way he adores people is any indicator to how he may be feeling inside, I can only assume that his precious heart is hurt too.
     So we are going to move on from the constant disappointment and look forward to better days, and merrier Christmases.

Until tomorrow........