I see all around town how excited people are about the holidays. I wish I could feel their joy. They happily hunt for presents, picking out wrapping paper, ribbons and bows. I imagine them running home with all their goodies, lighting the fireplace, decorating their tree as the aroma of cookies and cocoa fill the air. All the while laughing and singing Christmas songs, and somewhere in their Christmas prepping someone will end up with holiday bows on top of their head. They will take the perfect silly picture that will end up being the family Christmas card they send to everyone this year.
I kind of envy that scenario, actually I envy it a lot. I will again be preparing for the shut down of WalMart, McDonald's and every other place we ritualistically visit daily. I will be buying anything and everything I can, hoping Max will stay melt down free. Praying to God the roads will stay clear, and not be covered in ice and snow as I trek back and forth from the I 80 truck stop.
Today Katie and I were talking about how oblivious some people can be. For example, when they joyfully say, "Only 9 more days of school, aren't you looking forward to the break?" This is our reaction, "NO!" I don't know about any of you out there reading this, but breaks from school are more exhausting mentally and physically than just about anything. For those days you have no break at all, you panic more, your kids meltdown more, you worry more and the stress level that the majority of the days are filled with, is not safe for any human being. I spend those days holding my breath most of the time as I have mentioned in earlier posts. Katie waits for that look in Asher's eyes, that tells her he's going to explode, and not even for a moment can she turn her back, because the boiling point can happen at any minute, without any warning.
So breaks from school are not a good thing.... and the one coming up, is 18 days long. 18 days.....
18 days...... 18 days........
18 days of non stop, all day and all night, and keeping your fingers crossed that the teapot doesn't blow, trying to remember to breathe before you get light headed, trying to hold it together even when your child is falling apart over and over.
Then during all of those days you have to prepare for Christmas, knowing how oblivious most of your family is to you and your child. Its like being inserted in that scenario I mentioned earlier, but you don't get to enjoy the hot cocoa, because like Katie, she is holding Asher's arms the entire time so he doesn't take a swing at someone, but no one around you notices. And Max and I? well, we'll be traveling to the truck stop amidst the celebrations.
Its sad when you are in the middle of the party but you can't really enjoy it. Its sad when everyone around you gets to be normal, and no matter how much you try, you just can't fit in. Everyone understands the phrase 'I'm on the outside looking in" and can sympathize with how that feels, its even harder to be, "On the inside, looking in"
Until tomorrow.........
No comments:
Post a Comment