Day #35

This is a night that is dragging onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...



     Max has been crying and screaming for over an hour it is now 12:14 am. Elmo Saves Christmas got wrapped up in his vcr and after ten minutes I finally got it out, got it rewound and put it back in, but the previews don't work. Most of us just fast forward through the previews, but he likes them, and his whole night is ruined, the dogs are panicked because they don't know what to do and I am helpless. What a horrible feeling it is when the simple little things don't work right for him and he gets so upset... and there is not a thing I can do to make it better. Most would say, just get him a dvd player... we have one but all of the movies he likes we have only on vhs. He also has a hard time operating the dvd player alone and likes the Independence he has with the vcr.
     Nights like this are not as common as they used to be, but when they happen.. I can feel such anxiety almost over come me, but surprisingly I can still keep it in check. I do pace alot as I might have said in earlier posts, probably walked a million miles in my kitchen over the last few years, back and forth, and back and forth. Imagine all the sights I would have seen out in the world if I had walked those miles on the highway. I'd have souvenirs from all around the country.
     Sadly I did not win the lottery tonight, so all the people on my list whose life would have changed if I had... will have to wait till next time. Ya know I believe completely that I will win, every time I play... so I am just shocked when the numbers drawn aren't mine. I have big plans for when I do.... I'll just call it Extreme Makeover... Life Edition. I think it would be the funnest thing in the world to go surprise people with something that could change their life. I wonder if other people that play have a list like I do. What would they do with the money if they won.... What would you do?

Until tomorrow....

Day # 34

Laughing all day long...


We woke up today with a completely different vibe in the air. Max was so happy, and he literally laughed all day long. One of the funniest things to him today was a woman on television that was conducting an orchestra. If you've ever watched an orchestra play you know what I mean when I say those conductors really get into it. Her hands flying about, her head moving like a rocker in a heavy metal band. He was thoroughly amused.
He chuckled like a jolly old man, and it was contagious. I was laughing, my Mom, my sis. It was music to our ears, ecspecially after yesterdays majority of unhappiness.
We did our normal driving around town all day, listening to Christmas music, also a pleasant change, because even though we all love Lady GaGa, I was getting tired of listening to Lavender Blonde. If you've heard that song, you know how inappropriate it is for a 13 year old to be listening to, ecspecially with his mother in the McDonalds drive through. We have listened to Lavender Blonde at least I think thats what the song is called I don't have the CD case, for over 3 weeks and nothing else. Max  likes alot of songs he shouldn't listen to, like Porn Star Dancing, and a few others. He loves music. He bangs his head and bounces all over the place. We must look like a couple of really strange ones as we pass people on the road. We head bang to everything, even the Carpenters. HA!!
 Max LOVES Maroon 5, and Grandma.... well she loves Adam Levine. There is something in Adam Levines voice, just like the singer from Shine Down that he seems to really enjoy. Its nice to find those things that make him happy. 
Tonight he went to sleep early so I actually had some time to finish all my laundry... that NEVER happens. Tomorrow Max is going to Grandma's house, his favorite person in the world.
What a good day we had!! Wish they could all be like this.

Until tomorrow....

Day # 33

Sorry for the inconvenience...... 


I woke up this morning fully prepared to go through our holiday routine. The house was stocked with all the things Max "might" eat throughout the day, none of them being a part of the meal I was preparing. It never really matters because he is so upset that his entire routine is messed up on Thanksgiving and Christmas..... I literally can feel that giant ball of anxiety swelling in my chest as the day drags on.
We headed off on our thirty minute drive to the truck stop for Wendys, or Taco Bell, the only two places that are open on this day. It has worked for the last couple of years, and he gets through the day, but today was a different story. We passed the McDonalds by the truck stop, only to find that it was open.... so I turned around happily. I thought to myself, YIPPEE they are open, today will be a piece of cake, he can get his french fries.. We pulled up to the drive through only to see a sign that said "We will be open till 11am only serving breakfast, sorry for the inconvenience" I could feel the storm approaching..... as soon as I drove away, he broke down. He didn't understand they only had breakfast. I quickly pulled into the truck stop. First he refused to get out of the vehicle, eventually complying. but stomping his feet all the way to the front dooor. Moments like that, I may have said before, I feel like I must not breathe the entire time because I am feeling so overwhelmed. I bought tacos and french fries, none of which he ate.
All the while people were looking, children were laughing and I felt like beating people up. I thought to myself..... people from all over the country in this place are witnessing what happens when McDonalds closes for the day. They do not know however, that this crying and stomping will go on all day. I just turned on my tunnel vision and got outta there before my big mouth opened and caused a scene.
Max still insisted on McDonalds, so I drove through ordered something he wouldn't eat and headed down the road, my sweet son still crying and pushing away the buffet of options he had before him. We went to Dollar General, bought playdoh and headed home. I had enough time to get the turkey in, and start on all the other things I had to do. Then the dog got out and took off down the street, he never comes when I call him. Jay had to chase him down the road. All the while my turkey was accidently on broil so when I checked it an hour later, the oven bag was burned to the turkey. That took another half hour to fix. Max still unhappy, I'm in more control than usual. Thinking, this would be a great day for the Publishers Clearing House Prize Patrol to bring me a big check.... I'd buy my own McDonalds.
We went back to the truck stop later in the afternoon and he accepted Wendys thank goodness. When we got home he decided he wanted to go to WalMart. Stupid me.... it was after 8 and all the shopping maddness was going on. We walked in that store and there were hundreds of people, lines to the back of the store, sections of the store blocked off, people everywhere. I was nervous that he'd get away from me, I held on to his arm as tight as I could. If he'd of gotten out of my sight, I'd of never found him in that mad house.... but then something amazing happened...... he started to laugh, and laugh uncontrollably. Everywhere he looked there were people, he thought it was funny. Usually that kind of comotion makes him uncomfortable, but tonight it was entertainment.
We got more playdoh and went back home, and hour later he was asleep, and I still haven't done all the dishes. I am thankful for many things, and tonight I am thankful for playdoh, and crazy Thanksgiving shoppers. My son ended the day laughing instead of crying. The dog is home and tomorrow things can get back to normal. Now I have a month to prepare myself for Christmas.

Until tomorrow..........

Day # 32

The "P.O.S."


There is much to say of the "Power of Suggestion" ... whether it be from someone else, or a suggestion you put in your mind.... all by yourself.
It amazes me and embarrasses me how much one touch, one glance, one spoken word, can take my mind to a place, that in the real world would never really exist.
My most recent encounter with the "P.O.S." led me to the intrigue of a much younger man. Being single for nearing a decade has given me a lot of time to create these perfect fairytales in my mind. I am always wishing for the possibility that one of them could manifest itself in real time.
Recently I noticed this sweet, much younger man, 29 years to my 42. I was a cougar for about a minute.... NOT a good look for me.
He was so sweet and gave great hugs.... always touching my arm or my back, standing closer to me than anyone else would. All these sweet nothings, helped me to create a fantasy full of sweet somethings that I could not escape.
Ultimately I got the nerve to push the envelope to see what would happen. He said everything I wanted to hear and reacted the way I wanted him to react.... the "P.O.S." was unleashed.
I found myself doing and saying things that I would have... in a normal state of mind, kept to myself.
I thought I was cool, didn't look desperate, didn't reveal any of my spazzy ideas... at least I don't think I did.
ANYWAY... we made plans, for some ridiculous reason I thought it would be a smart idea to go get tattoos together, he agreed. The day we were to go do this, he blew me off. I didn't talk to him for about a week. I wasn't hurt, but rather annoyed. At my age, a man should say, "I'm not interested" not just stand you up ya know? We're not 14. So I reeled in my budding maddness and realized this was not something that would have been a good idea for many reasons. It would take a long time to write them all, so I won't.
I think this.... although the power of suggestion is pretty mighty, its possible to fight it off. As you get older you develop alot of insight into relationships and ultimately you come to realize what you really want, even if you never find it. Just as important, you realize what you DON'T want.
Take it from me..... if you let that pesky ole thing called the "P.O.S." take control....... you could end up with a tattoo you can never get rid of..... I almost did.

Until tomorrow.....

Day #31

Self Esteem?


Today my friends and I were talking about self esteem, and the fact that none of us have any.
We all have an idea of when and why we've lost it, the question is.... How .do we get it back?
I have to wonder why exactly all of us feel like we're not good enough. I suspect that the problem isn't that we're not good enough, but rather we are missing something in our lives that will make us happy.
So.... maybe its possible that its not self esteem at all that we don't have. instead its TRUE HAPPINESS.
A great quote, from an even greater friend is this.

"My life is full. but it's not fulfilled.

Like your gas tank on your car is full, but you still need an oil change and brake pads,
Like your mixing bowl has all the ingredients for a fabulous dessert but you don't have what you need
to mix it all together
Maybe you have to find your JOY before you can find your self esteem. If you think about it, it makes sense .  There  are moments in everyones life that are deflating, defeating, heartbreaking and terrifying. It is at those times that most of us recall having lost our self esteem... maybe what really happened is, we lost our joy.
So girls, I propose this......
Forget about self esteem!
Lets find our JOY!!!!

Until tomorrow....

Day #30

There is a difference between looking and staring.. So tonight, as we ventured through Walmart, like we do every single night of our lives... something really caught my eye. PEOPLE!! Several people, young and old, staring at us. It irritated me, more so than usual. Arm in arm we trotted through the store on our typical path... looking for laffy taffy and play doh, by the way did I ever mention that we buy play doh EVERY night and have done so for over 8 years? Thats right, 8 years. Thats nearly 3000 days, 3000 packages of play doh. An estimated $6500 in play doh. I'll tell you about that another time. Usually when you catch someone staring at you, they automatically look away, or pretend like they are looking at something right over your shoulder. Tonight however, nobody looked away until I said, "Look Max, you are so hansome and I am so beautiful people can't stop looking at us" That seems to embarrass people. I think I am getting more sarcastic in my old age. I do sometimes like my new personality trait, ecspecially when I'm annoyed. I found myself checking the mirrors throughout the store and making sure Max's pants weren't falling down and making sure he didn't have anything on his face. I had one of those moments of enlightenment during all of the looks and stares.... I remember always being told that staring was inpolite and not to do it. I can't have been the only one who was taught that it was rude can I? I think not, but of all the peole young and old that I came face to face with in Walmart.... I am sure of one thing.. I am the only one that listened to her Mother when she said "Don't stare, its rude." What is wrong with people? I think the next time I have a experience like that, I'm just going to start asking the "onlookers" if they want to take our picture, maybe we'll even pose. Maybe I'll ask if they want our autographs. Maybe I just need to lighten up. I am prepared for an audience when Max has his meltdowns like the other night, but tonight we just looked like two ordinary people... hunting for laffy taffy. Until tomorrow...

Day # 29

When Jay was a little boy he used to have night terrors. I'd say once a month for about a year. I would be awakened by his screaming and go running into his room, only to find him sound asleep thrashing around screaming and crying. It would take me several minutes to finally wake him up but the shear fear he dreamed would linger for hours after he was awake. Usually he was being chased by wolves and was running for his life, sometimes it was monsters but the majority of the time wolves. Tonight another kind of nightmare had him hysterical. I thought night terrors were just something young children experienced but this experience tonight..... I think will change him for some time. He dreamed he'd come down stairs and went outside straight into hell. He spent 4 years in hell being tortured and only woke up because a demon pushed him out of hell. He was absolutely traumatized, telling me that he died over and over the entire time he was there. It took me an hour to convince him that it was a nightmare and everyone he loved was really ok, that he was really ok. He was so upset at how vividly he remembered everything, he could barely talk, breathe or even move, almost like someone in shock. It was horrible for me as a Mom to hear what he dreamed, if I could make him forget it all I would. In this situation like so many others, I am helpless. I can only hope that over the days ahead it will fade from his memory, at the very least I hope the graphic details will fade. Until tomorrow....

Day #28

I've been staring at this screen for almost an hour now. I must have writers block or something like that.... but I did survive another non stop weekend. As Max and I were driving home from Grandma's today I got to thinking about Friday night. This doesn't have anything to do with autism, but rather being single. Most people would say I am delusional, I prefer to call it eternally hopeful. My Mom, sister and I watched the movie called "Letters to Juliet" Anyone who is a hopeless romantic has seen this movie and loved it as much as I did..... What I wonder is, I can't be the only one who believes that fairytales and great love stories are possible. Those who write the books, plays and movies imagine it just like I do, otherwise there wouldn't be great love stories right? It can't all be "just a story" How disappointing it would be if there wasn't the chance to have that kind of romance. Maybe that is why I am still single. My friend Devorah told me once that I was born 500 years to late.... why you may wonder? A couple reasons really. First because I have the layout of my castle that someday I will build and live in!!! Second because I still believe that my prince will come, and he should show up at my door on his horse and we will ride off into the sunset together. I told her that the reason he hasn't shown up yet is because in the last 10 years I've moved 13 times( issues with the education system and getting Max help). My Prince just hasn't been able to find me. I decided I am not going to settle for anything less than exactly what I want. Someday he will show up, he won't care about missing Monday night football, he won't be interested in antlers or big fish to hang on his wall.... he will be studying the plans for the castle I have drawn, and we'll build it together!! Until tomorrow.....

Day #27

Hey Everyone!!! Its hard to believe how long its been between day 26 and 27, but I am hoping that nothing prevents me from writing every night. Jay is now 17 and Max is 13 and me?.... well I'm that much closer to a senior discount. I am still taking it one day at a time, still waiting for that money tree to grow, still waiting for my Prince Charming, and most of all, still waiting for that miracle that allows my Max to emerge from the clutches of autism. Tonight I was reminded of how the smallest of things to most of us, can cause Max to lose it. We took our nightly trip to Walmart very late tonight, close to 10pm. I knew this was going to be a rough one. Max likes to enter the store on the grocery side and exit on the garden side. Thats how we have done it every day for years. When he realized he couldn't exit through the same door as usual, because it gets locked at 10pm.... the melt down started. Every person in the store that could see us, was staring as he screamed, stomped his feet like a toy soldier and slammed his fingers into the palms of his hands as hard as he could. I kept telling him over and over that we could not exit the same way because of the hour, nothing helped. As loud as he could scream, he screamed; as hard as he could stomp, he stomped and as long as people could stare they stared. This carried on all the way through the parking lot to the truck, and all the way home. Eventually he stopped about ten minutes after we got home. This was ecspecially upsetting to me because he kept looking at me like I'd hurt his feelings. Going out that door for some reason is important to him and I refused him that. I still feel guilty because I don't want him to think I was just being mean ya know? More heart breaking than that is the fact that he didn't understand my words when I explained the situation to him. He didn't comprehend the words "That door is locked" Think about that for a minute. Until tomorrow....