Spinning out of control...
There are many days of this life when I feel like I have lost all control... the days when Max won't sleep, or when he's crying for reasons that I can't figure out.. or the days that one of my dogs gets out the front door and runs as far and as fast as he can, of course he doesn't come to me when I'm yelling from my yard. It's like crazy town and there is no map for the streets we travel.
Tonight it is not I that is spinning out of control, its Max... literally spinning and spinning around and around and around, and laughing hysterically. I have went to his room several times asking him to stop, he stops until I walk away....
When he was a much smaller boy he would spin like this, spinning until he would tip over. I compare it to watching a tree falling after being chopped down. His whole body would stiffen and he'd hit the ground. I would try to always catch him, but sometimes I didn't get to him in time. It didn't deter him from continuing once he could see straight again.
There must be something in the air. This morning Max woke me up and told me (on his talker) that he wanted to go to Grandmas. It took me some time to realize that this was a school day... by the time I got my wits about me, he was late for school, we missed the school bus and I had to drive him to school. I don't know where my mind was, well actually I do, I stayed up till nearly dawn watching the CSPAN footage of the Senate hearing on the rising autism rates. It was so nice to finally get some support for the position myself and so many others have regarding how our children came to be diagnosed autistic.
I have memories of my son before autism. Days when he would interact with me like a typical baby interacts. He did everything like everyone else, and almost over night it changed. That is a heartbreaking memory, and it sometimes feels like only yesterday that he would look at me and say words, like light and kitty... but its been almost 13 years.
Unless you live this life and have a child like mine who is non'verbal its hard to understand the devesation you feel down to your core. I wonder what goes through his mind, what he thinks about, what he wants to say but can't. I wonder what he'd be doing right now if Autism hadn't taken ahold of him... would he be intersted in football? Would he be a linebacker? Would he be in the band? Would he be excited about getting his drivers permit, because in my state, you can get your permit at 14 and Max will be 14 next Monday. Would he have a little girlfriend? Would he be an artist or fixing engines like his big brother? What does he want to be when he grows up? What would he be as an adult without autism? The President? A Doctor? A Pilot? An Olympian? Would he want to travel the world, or change the world? It is my hope that someday he could do anything that he wanted to do, and it is my hope that someday he could tell me what those things might be.
Until tomorrow.....
I just noticed looking back through my posts, that I don't have a day 19 hmmmm...
