Day # 42 was a rough day for me. It has taken two days of pining and pacing to figure out all of these emotions that have been banging in my head all weekend. I think I have finally figured it out.
I am not only angry, I am hurt, and let me explain what and why....
Max has been wetting his pants all day for months. He goes through different kinds of stims all the time. That's what I thought this was. Shortly after school started we had a urine sample done... no yeast, no bacteria, no sugar. Totally clear. We tried different tactics to try to fix the problem.... none of which worked, so I agreed to have him seen in IA City. We finished the paperwork Friday, an hour later the school nurse called and said that he could be seen on Wednesday. I was reluctant to accept that appointment, because I cant afford to take the day off work. I assumed as with anything this would be an appointment that would take a few weeks to schedule as did everyone else, and I was instantly made to feel guilty that I did not want to accept that appointment with such short notice. As I would be losing more income that I can't afford to lose... I have two sons to support by myself, and I don't get sick days, vacation days or personal days.
Clearly no one on my team in the school district is a single Mom. So instead of understanding my financial position, I was met with the comment, "If it were my son, I would want to know if there was something medically wrong with him" AS IF I DON'T!!! I was mortified. I love my children and would do anything in the world for them....... but this week I need to be able to feed them. Now because of this guilt trip, I will have to borrow money to do that. I have to lose income and add the cost of getting him to the appointment to an already empty piggy bank.
I am sick to my stomach that anyone would imply that I don't care. I care, more than anyone ever will. I also know this could be a stim, it could be puberty, it could be behavioral, and by the way I should mention that he usually doesn't wet his pants when he's with Grandma.... so this potential medical problem doesn't happen all day every day.
So I am taking him to this appointment because I will feel like a terrible Mother if I don't, I just wish it had of been a week or two later.
I don't care about my son? That's why I moved 13 times between 3 states trying to find a school district that would help him. We did ABA for 3 years in my home, I have traveled near and far to doctors, tried countless different medical treatments......and on and on. Not being happy about one appointment that is going to make it harder to support my children this week......does NOT mean I don't care.....
Until tomorrow.........
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