Today Max turned 15. My blue eyed little angel... not so little, he towers over me by about 5 inches. We are having a little party for him on Friday night. Usually he doesn't want any part of it, but somewhere inside him, I know he must know that this is a special day, his special day. I always tell him to make a wish when he blows out his candles, I don't know if he understands what I 'm telling him.... but if wishes came true on birthdays, then he would have my voice, because I wish it every year. My Mom and I always say, we'd give him our voices, we've had them long enough, now its his turn.... but every year we keep talking and he stays silent.
So Happy Happy Birthday Max I love you, MORE than words could ever say.
My dear friend "Katie" is Mom to "Asher". He and Max are classmates, as I mentioned yesterday. We spend a lot of time falling apart and putting ourselves back together as each day goes by. Thank goodness, because I think it would be really difficult to stand alone in this place sometimes. I know so many of you know exactly what I mean.
Katie's son is very aggressive, he hits himself and others, and has been on medication since he was in 2nd grade, now he's in 8th. He is absolutely beautiful and has one of those smiles that just steals your heart. I enormously admire her dedication because her journey through autism comes with a different kind of heartache. She has had to witness her sweet boy beating himself up and hitting other people and it repeatedly breaks her heart. Asher tells her that he is sorry he hits. She asks him "Why do you hit" and he doesn't know. I think one of the biggest mistakes society makes is assuming that our children can comprehend all of what they do. Much of the time that is not the case.
As Asher gets older, the doctor has to increase the dosage of medication. He is currently on two. She also has to give him a mild sedative in the event of a major aggressive meltdown that can't be controlled. Every time the doctor raises his medication her heart breaks more, and she cries more because she knows these medications are strong and will eventually shorten his lifespan.... but he can't function without them. Its devastating to know that the things that make your child's day manageable for him, can cause health problems over time.
Last week she put her Christmas Tree up and was telling me how pretty it looked and how she wanted to have some Christmas spirit in her house, she was happy and sounded festive...... a few hours later, she called to tell me Asher had ruined the tree, and broke some bulbs. She put it back together and the next day he did the same thing. Ultimately she had to move the tree to another part of the house. She said something that really resonated with me about, "continuing to pick up the pieces" We pick up the pieces everyday, whether it be broken ornaments, broken hearts, or broken dreams, and sometimes even though you've picked up all the pieces, it still looks or feels broken.
I am still trying to figure out, how to put things back together sometimes ya know?
Katie says her favorite time of day is bedtime... why? Because she watches Asher sleep, he's peaceful and she always hopes that in his dreams he is free of autism. For those brief moments she can breathe, and she can hope that his dreams make him happy, believing that makes her happy, for those hours in the night
Until tomorrow.............
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