Day #9

"If he would just talk to me, I'd never, ever stop listening."

When Max was a year old he had several words that he could say, ball, light, kitty, up, ma ma.... those words eventually vanished. By the time he was 18 months old he was completely silent. I could never put to words exactly what that feels like to a Mom. Seeing the smile fade, the facial expressions fade, the words fade. It can only be described as the most devastating feeling in the world. Like your hearts been ripped out of your chest by an invisible something and repeatedly shredded right before your eyes. You are breathless, helpless, desperate, angry...

Today I heard a woman tell her child to "Shut his mouth" at the store, and I just wanted to grab her and say "LET HIM TALK, LET HIM TALK ALL NIGHT, LET HIM TALK ABOUT ANYTHING, EVERYTHING, NOTHING! APPRECIATE THAT LITTLE VOICE THAT SPEAKS TO YOU!!"
I was so annoyed by those 3 words, because I pray everyday my son will laugh with me and talk to me... if he would just talk to me, I would never stop listening. She had a beautiful boy who just had alot to say, and I am certain if his words went away she would be crushed. I should have asked her how she would feel if he really did shut his mouth and never opened it again. I always try to never take anything for granted, I wish more people would do the same.

I have dreams at night... all the time where Max is talking to me, he sits on the foot of my bed and tells me stories, we have conversations about apple trees, sand, making grocery lists. They always seem so real, I wake up and look to see if he's sitting there at my feet.. but he never is. Those dreams make it hard to fall back to sleep because I'm so elated and they make it hard to stay awake because I want to go back to listening to him speak to me. His voice is so clear and so excited. After I have one of those dreams I can hear his voice in my head all day saying, "and Mom...."
I also have nightmares....nightmares where both of my sons vanish. No matter how far I search for them I can't find them. I call their names, Jay always answers, but I can never find him. Max doesn't answer in my nightmares. I stand there screaming for him in the darkness, in parking lots, neighborhoods, the forest but he does not answer. Its always dark outside in my nightmares. All it seems that I can do is scream for him to answer me over and over. My legs are either frozen to the ground or I am running as fast as I can but I am not moving. That is so horrifying, I wake up in tears, and my heart is beating so fast it feels like it should just jump out of my chest and keeping looking for Max. Those nightmares make me weak all day, I can't get them out of my head for days at a time. I think to myself... what if he got lost in real life, how would he ever tell anyone where he lived, or who he was, how would he tell anyone that he wanted to go home to his Mom.
When I woke up this morning he wasn't sleeping on his favorite couch, and instantly the panic overcomes me. My legs feel like they're made of lead as I go from room to room looking for him only to find him sitting in the TV room watching Babes in Toyland with the volume turned down. I said "You scared me Maximo, you have to wake me up if you want to come in here and watch television ok?" He shakes his head yes. I'd like to think he understands what I'm telling him but he shakes his head yes to everything. He doesn't ever shake his head no.

I pray to God every single night that he will help me find the way to give Max back his voice. I'd give anything, I'd give him mine if I could. God, if you're listening, Give him my voice, please.

Until tomorrow.....