Day #10

" I wish he wasn't so afraid"

Max has alot of irrational fears. I suppose that may not be all autism related as I'm without a doubt petrified of earth worms, can't even look at them. Jay used to think it was funny to chase me with them, boy I can run like the wind on ocassions like that.
I'm not sure exactly why, but Max is scared of a striped pillow case. I had forgotten because that pillow case was not used for so long. He can barely touch it and it appears as though he holds his breath when he takes it off the pillow. Once he finally got it off the pillow tonight he kicked it out of sight. Finally tonight I just threw it out. I felt bad that I'd forgotten how much it bothered him. There are many things that do, some reasonable, some not so reasonable. The vacuum for example was a terrifying thing to him for years. My Mother would have to come over and take him out of the house so I could vacuum the floor. That went on for well over a year. He was afraid of the hairdryer, wet grass, flowered fabrics, kitchen spoons (they always ended up thrown behind the stove or fridge).
The doctors office is probably the most terrifying thing of all. I dread taking him to the doctor and thankfully he rarely gets sick.
He's been wrapped in a papoose at one doctor, at the dentist it took 4 people to hold him down and the dentist had to put his head in a brace to keep it still. He seems always to be constrained by something or someone every time we go.
I took him in to get checked for an ear infection sometime ago and he wouldn't let the doctor look in his ears, he got more and more upset the more the doctor tried. Finally I told the doctor that I'd help hold on to Max so he could try to get a quick look in his ear. Max was standing by the examination table, and before I could stand up to go over to him, the doctor jumped on him like he was playing football. Max was face down on the table with his feet on the floor, the doctor was on his back, the doctors feet were off the floor, and he had his forearem over Max's neck pushing on his neck to try to hold him still. Max screamed such a terrifying scream for what seemed like an eternity. I was so shocked I told the doctor, "Stop! Thats Enough! We are done!" I left that doctors office, filed a complaint with the hospital board, and found a new doctor. Everytime I think of that day, it turns my stomach. Max is just a child, a child who does not understand why sometimes we have to go to the doctor. That horrible doctor had no business jumping on my little boy, scaring him so fiercely. He didn't even apologize.
He will not set foot back in that hospital, I have to take Jay to the doctor during school hours now, because Max refuses to get out of the van and go in. Ever since that day, he has gotten even more afraid. It is so hard as a mother to put your child in situations that they are so fearful of, I'm sure it would be so much easier if he just understood that the doctor is not there to hurt him.. with the exception of that horrible one that did. How does he trust another person in a white coat when the white coats trigger such terrible memories for him.
I wish he wasn't so afraid, I wish I could explain to him that I will be there with him and that he'd be ok. I'll be with him to keep him safe.
It bothers me that so many doctors we've visited lack the bedside manner that someone like Max really needs to feel comfortable. I think understanding autism is crucial if you are going to have patients with the diagnosis. Autistic children deserve compassion, respect and understanding just as much as anyone else.

Until tomorrow........