Day #5

"Eating pancakes that were oozing with syrup!"

I forgot that today was New Years Eve. I wondered several times today why everyone was asking me what I was doing tonight. Why were they interested? They all know I don't go out. Then the "Dah!!" moment. Its the biggest party night of the year. I always loved New Years Eve, I think I am confetti's biggest fan, I love it.
I was trying to remember the last time I went out, I do recall sadly how long ago it was.

In the last 8 years, thats 2920 days.... I have went out twice. I feel like Charlie Bucket from Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory must have felt when the teacher asked him how many Wonka Bars he'd opened. Hmmmm.... maybe the next time I go out I'll find the golden ticket, if not I'd be happy with the chocolate.
I remember dancing the night away. Meeting friends at the all night diners and eating pancakes that were oozing with syrup. Laughing with the girls about the terrible pick up lines, and ahhhhh sleeping till noon. Of course I was much younger then, but it still sounds like fun.
I suppose everything changes over time, I can accept that. When you become a parent you get to be a kid again, you get to go back in time in a way. You look forward to Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, Halloween, Birthday parties. All those things that make your childhood memorable, you get to do all over again, remembering the joy you felt and seeing the same joy in your childrens faces.
Imagine instead of the magic of Santa, the excitement of Easter, the thrill of collecting as much loot door to door on Halloween that your child could carry, you see nothing but fear and confusion, tears and resistance.
My son doesn't know Santa Claus, at least I think he doesn't. Instead of shredding the presents on Christmas morning, he'd rather be away from all the laughter and family. He doesn't want to open presents or eat Christmas cookies, he's never ate a Christmas cookie, or hung his stocking, or looked out the window for Santa, never wrote a letter to send to the North Pole. I pray every Christmas Eve that I will see the excitement in his face when he wakes up on Christmas morning and see's all the presents under the tree.... instead he walks right past the tree, into the kitchen to get a drink, then take a bath. I sit on the couch feeling like someone just deflated me. I put on my happy face because big brother loves the presents, I can be happy that he is happy.
I wonder what my little angel thinks about all these wonderful things he see's. Does he know its a special day? Does he know there are alot of special days and special things thought up just for children?
Tonight we watched the ball drop in NYC on television, he liked that because the ball was bright and ticker tape was flitting across the screen. I wonder if he knows what New Years Day is.
My little angel came out into the kitchen with his pillow and blanket at 1:30am wanting to take a ride. I drove him around town, he seems to like to look at the snow drifts on the sides of the road. I drove past Christmas lights that stil hang on peoples houses, he likes the Christmas lights, anything thats bright, twinkles and flashes. Finally at 2:10 am he was sleeping, something I need to be doing.

My New Years Resolution
TO BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!

Until Tomorrow....