Wow, it seems like such a long time since I've been able to write. Max hasn't been sleeping, so the time I had the first 20 days to write, I haven't had recently. I have had alot of time to think however. I've been thinking about the last 10 years. Different things come to mind, different memories... happy and sad.
I look at my face in the mirror at 3am and see someone I don't recognize sometimes. I see this tired old face and still can't believe its mine. I know how I got here, how we all get here, its called AGING! I don't think it ever bothered me before, my birthday didn't freak me out really... until now. I have recently found myself pulling the skin back on my face to where it should be, where it was just a few years ago, dreaming about the youthful look I used to have... gotta stop doing that while I'm driving down the road, or sitting at stop lights. I think I could actually get a face lift, it doesn't scare me like it used too. If I had a face lift I'd look awake all the time, even when I was exhausted. That's just what I need!!
Anyway, my 30's didn't go off like I had planned. I didn't imagine I'd spend them as a single Mom. I don't think I ever imagined being single really. I've had alot of "Date Nights" but they were Friday nights admiring Charlie on "Num3ers" or Dr. Spencer Reed on "Criminal Minds" or Mick StJohn on "Moonlight" or Dr Jacob Hood on "Eleventh Hour", oh sorry got carried away. But now I just struggle with the fear that the 40's are going to be as hard as the 30's were, if they are will I be able to handle it?
I know that my life with my boys is going to enter territory I am afraid of. Puberty. How on earth am I going to handle that with Max. Will I be able to teach him how to shave his face? How is he going to react when hair starts to grow in places it isn't growing now? My angel faced 11 year old will be growing into a man as I'm growing into old age. What if I can't handle it by myself? I keep praying that God won't leave me. I've had my doubts over the years sometimes if he was even there, but I know if he wasn't I'd probably not have survived some of this.
I really had a wake up call on Thursday, and the anxiety of that day will probably never leave me. I came down with a migraine headache, one so bad I couldn't even stand up. My dog knew something was wrong as he wouldn't get off my lap... even as I sat in the bathtub begging for the pain to stop. I was able to get in touch with one of Max's respite workers who picked him up from school for me and took him to get something to eat, she also got dinner for Jay while they were out. Max's other respite worker came over with medicine for me and food, and my Mom and sister came from an hour away to help. I can't explain the terror that raced through my mind thinking "I'm really alone, I'm really alone" If all those people hadn't come to my rescue... god only knows what may have happened. I couldn't care for myself or my sons, and the boys must be tended too. That day will stick in my soul forever. It is just a constant reminder, more so now than ever... nothing can ever happen to me.
Every Mom I have met over the years of autistic children will say "I can never grow old, I can never die, what would happen to my kids?" I felt with every breath in me what those words really meant on Thursday. Thank goodness I had help that day, but it could just as easily went the other way. There is no way to prepare for it if it does. I just have to hold on tight and keep my fingers crossed that I will be ok. So every night before I go to sleep, I just ask, "God, please just let me be ok"
Until tomorrow....
No comments:
Post a Comment