Day #3

"I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in"

Today was yet another attempt at a "normal life" event. I try to give my sons normal experiences as often as I can. I want my sons to have those social experiences that all children have. My son with aspergers disorder really struggles with social situations. He has made some improvements over the past year with the help of a psychiatrist, psychologist and a social worker whom he sees weekly. We still work daily on how to respond too, handle and address situations he faces regularly.

Tonight we had been invited to dinner by a good friend who knows my boys very well and she and her husband were fully prepared to greet us at 6pm. I was so excited to finally have a dinner invitation like people in the normal world often do. I had to spend about 45 minutes packing fidget toys, treats, and anything else I could think of into a big orange flowered beach bag. Anything I could find that might entertain my little non verbal angel for the short while we'd be there. If he is in a new, unfamiliar place he gets very agitated and if I am not prepared the crying and screaming start within moments. I thought I had everything I needed and we hit the road. I forgot one very important thing... that orange flowered bag is the bag we take to Grandmas house and the road we were traveling to my friends house was the same road we start on to Grandmas house. He thought we were going to Grandmas. When I turned off that familiar road I knew instantly that he was not pleased, he started stomping his feet, slamming his wrists together and crying. I explained to him that we were going to see our friend and that we would go to Grandmas afterward.

When we arrived my little angel would not get out of the van. I'd open his door, he closed it, over and over and over. My heart sank to my stomach. My friend was able to get him out of the van and walk him into the house, all the while he was crying and attempting to escape her as she held his hand so he could return to the van. I told him we were going to have dinner and visit, then we would leave. I felt so bad for everyone. My hosts for cooking, my son with aspergers because he really wanted to do something that normal life people do, and my non verbal son because he was unhappy being there. As for me... well I was crushed. If I make one person happy, someone else is unhappy... there is not anyway to compromise really.
Instead of a lighthearted dinner, it was a painstaking hour of my little angel getting in and out of the van, screaming, crying, hitting himself, dragging me to the door to leave. It was just impossible.
My other son was happy to be there, thrilled to talk to my friends husband and disappointed when we left. I just felt horrible that I hadn't realized that orange flowered bag was the "Grandma Bag" One little oversight can ruin something instantly, I was reminded of that this night.

Driving away from that beautiful farm house, down that long gravel road... it hit me, like a punch in the stomach from someone that could hit really hard... This long dark gravel road was just like my life. I could feel the bumpiness of every little rock beneath the tires, just like I could feel the bumpiness of every little rock beneath us in our life. The headlights were on, but darkness surrounded the van. I just kept driving like I just keep living, hoping that the bumps will stop. Will there ever be a day that I won't have to figure everything out alone? Will I ever find a paved road with signs and directions? Will I always be on the bumpy gravel?
I knew as I drove through the darkness that I was always going to be a single Mom. Who'd of thought that the simpleness of a gravel road and a dark sky would become so instantly symbolic of my life. I could do nothing but drive, just like I always do, I couldn't cry because I have to stay strong. I wanted to cry, I want to do it a lot sometimes, I fear if I do I won't be able to stop, and there isn't anyone at home but me to hold it together and I've been holding it together for this long right? So my moment of enlightenment, my moment of revelation.. I am a single Mom and I must accept that it may never change. Who would want to do this with me? I'm strong, geez, by now I should be able to leap small buildings in a single bound! "Its a bird, its a plane.. its autism Mom!
So reality is simply this... dark and bumpy gravel roads are not the chosen path for those who have the option to take the paved road with street lights.
Until tomorrow......