Day #2

Its been a very long day and night, I feel like I should be used to it by now, after all this is all I've known for nearly a decade.
Lets talk about rigidity, and why it is my master. The smallest of changes to my son's routine cause him such panic, anxiety, frustration, beyond what most people know...or can even imagine. Swaying from his self made rituals usually cause and avalance of emotional breakdowns that go on for hours. Intense,loud and heartbreaking.
My bathroom sits between my kitchen and a bedroom, so there are 2 doors to the bathroom. My little angel enters the bathroom from the kitchen, and must stand in the doorway, staring up at the darkened ceiling as he takes very precise little steps until he is positioned directly beneath the light on the ceiling. He then turns on the light, then the fan, opens the door that enters into the bedroom, then closes it, then he closes and opens the door that enters into the kitchen. He does not stop opening and closing the doors until they make just the right amount of noise, this can take several minutes to complete before he will finally get in the bathtub.
My little angel loves the water. He loves to fill his hands with the water as its running and sprinkle it like rain into the tub. He loves to fill up cups and spill them repeatedly. If I interrupt any part of this routine or ritual, he has to start all over from the beginning, the very beginning.
There are alot of nights that he screams so loud, I get prepared for the police to show up and ask whats going on. I'm sure our neighbors must be sick of us by now. I try to keep him quiet, but the more I try to quiet him, the louder he becomes. I just want to scream right along with him. I want to scream "ITS CALLED AUTISM!! I'M TRYING TO CALM HIM DOWN BUT NOTHING IS WORKING!"
But... when my little angel is in his bathtub he is quiet, there is peace in my house, and peace in his mind.
I had a little more than 3 hours of sleep last night. Most of the time it feels like one day that never ends. My mind and body begin to recover after a couple hours of sleep, then my son wakes up and we start over. It's like I wake up with a hangover every single day, but I've not been drinking. I feel dizzy, sick to my stomach, my head hurts, my neck hurts, my eyes hurt. I live on caffeine, it keeps me awake, I can't fall asleep so I try not to ever sit down during the day.
All he wanted to do today was drive around in our minivan and listen to the same 2songs from Shine Down over and over. We've actually been listening to those 2 songs for 3 months and nothing else. I listen closely hoping I can hear what he hears in these 2 songs, I think the lead singers voice must be perfectly pitched to my sons little ears.
I put 178 miles on the vehicle today driving around in circles going nowhere, when I come home he won't come inside, he waits in the passenger seat, seatbelt still latched until I return. I don't know where to go, but I have to go.
I pass by people on the road and wonder where they are headed.... are they driving around aimlessly like I am? Are they going somewhere fun and exciting? Can they feel the storm when we pass them on the road? Do I look as tired as I feel, does anyone even notice we've driven past their house 20 times in one night? I pass by homes and wonder what people are doing in their living rooms, are they watching a movie, playing scrabble, talking with friends and family? Those things would be nice, but autism is very isolating, we don't get visitors but it would be nice to hear a knock at the door from time to time.
I finally was able to get my little angel in the house at about midnight. At 2:19 he finally closes his eyes to sleep. Now it is my turn to close my eyes.
Good night everyone.