Sunday, November 17, 2013
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Day #37
I don't know what to say...
Hi there! I think this is one of those days that "writers block" says it all. I am one of those people who have a lot to say and tend to never shut up... even when I should. My mind is always racing, of course there is no finish line, I seem to go in circles.
My Dad used to say, "Close your mouth, the flies are gonna get in." It was said with humor, but he really is right.
Dad? If you are reading this..... I bet you thought you'd never hear me admit you were right, especially in a place where other people could see it.
On this day, I am without any real interesting story to tell, other than our dog Rufus has learned how to play catch with himself. Our cat Bob has been sitting by the sink for hours stalking a piece of fuzz on the floor, and the boys are in their rooms watching movies as the night goes on.
Maybe the calmness of this night has let my mind slow down for once.... just a thought.
Until tomorrow....
Hi there! I think this is one of those days that "writers block" says it all. I am one of those people who have a lot to say and tend to never shut up... even when I should. My mind is always racing, of course there is no finish line, I seem to go in circles.
My Dad used to say, "Close your mouth, the flies are gonna get in." It was said with humor, but he really is right.
Dad? If you are reading this..... I bet you thought you'd never hear me admit you were right, especially in a place where other people could see it.
On this day, I am without any real interesting story to tell, other than our dog Rufus has learned how to play catch with himself. Our cat Bob has been sitting by the sink for hours stalking a piece of fuzz on the floor, and the boys are in their rooms watching movies as the night goes on.
Maybe the calmness of this night has let my mind slow down for once.... just a thought.
Until tomorrow....
Monday, December 3, 2012
Day # 36
Spinning out of control...
There are many days of this life when I feel like I have lost all control... the days when Max won't sleep, or when he's crying for reasons that I can't figure out.. or the days that one of my dogs gets out the front door and runs as far and as fast as he can, of course he doesn't come to me when I'm yelling from my yard. It's like crazy town and there is no map for the streets we travel.
Tonight it is not I that is spinning out of control, its Max... literally spinning and spinning around and around and around, and laughing hysterically. I have went to his room several times asking him to stop, he stops until I walk away....
When he was a much smaller boy he would spin like this, spinning until he would tip over. I compare it to watching a tree falling after being chopped down. His whole body would stiffen and he'd hit the ground. I would try to always catch him, but sometimes I didn't get to him in time. It didn't deter him from continuing once he could see straight again.
There must be something in the air. This morning Max woke me up and told me (on his talker) that he wanted to go to Grandmas. It took me some time to realize that this was a school day... by the time I got my wits about me, he was late for school, we missed the school bus and I had to drive him to school. I don't know where my mind was, well actually I do, I stayed up till nearly dawn watching the CSPAN footage of the Senate hearing on the rising autism rates. It was so nice to finally get some support for the position myself and so many others have regarding how our children came to be diagnosed autistic.
I have memories of my son before autism. Days when he would interact with me like a typical baby interacts. He did everything like everyone else, and almost over night it changed. That is a heartbreaking memory, and it sometimes feels like only yesterday that he would look at me and say words, like light and kitty... but its been almost 13 years.
Unless you live this life and have a child like mine who is non'verbal its hard to understand the devesation you feel down to your core. I wonder what goes through his mind, what he thinks about, what he wants to say but can't. I wonder what he'd be doing right now if Autism hadn't taken ahold of him... would he be intersted in football? Would he be a linebacker? Would he be in the band? Would he be excited about getting his drivers permit, because in my state, you can get your permit at 14 and Max will be 14 next Monday. Would he have a little girlfriend? Would he be an artist or fixing engines like his big brother? What does he want to be when he grows up? What would he be as an adult without autism? The President? A Doctor? A Pilot? An Olympian? Would he want to travel the world, or change the world? It is my hope that someday he could do anything that he wanted to do, and it is my hope that someday he could tell me what those things might be.
Until tomorrow.....
I just noticed looking back through my posts, that I don't have a day 19 hmmmm...
There are many days of this life when I feel like I have lost all control... the days when Max won't sleep, or when he's crying for reasons that I can't figure out.. or the days that one of my dogs gets out the front door and runs as far and as fast as he can, of course he doesn't come to me when I'm yelling from my yard. It's like crazy town and there is no map for the streets we travel.
Tonight it is not I that is spinning out of control, its Max... literally spinning and spinning around and around and around, and laughing hysterically. I have went to his room several times asking him to stop, he stops until I walk away....
When he was a much smaller boy he would spin like this, spinning until he would tip over. I compare it to watching a tree falling after being chopped down. His whole body would stiffen and he'd hit the ground. I would try to always catch him, but sometimes I didn't get to him in time. It didn't deter him from continuing once he could see straight again.
There must be something in the air. This morning Max woke me up and told me (on his talker) that he wanted to go to Grandmas. It took me some time to realize that this was a school day... by the time I got my wits about me, he was late for school, we missed the school bus and I had to drive him to school. I don't know where my mind was, well actually I do, I stayed up till nearly dawn watching the CSPAN footage of the Senate hearing on the rising autism rates. It was so nice to finally get some support for the position myself and so many others have regarding how our children came to be diagnosed autistic.
I have memories of my son before autism. Days when he would interact with me like a typical baby interacts. He did everything like everyone else, and almost over night it changed. That is a heartbreaking memory, and it sometimes feels like only yesterday that he would look at me and say words, like light and kitty... but its been almost 13 years.
Unless you live this life and have a child like mine who is non'verbal its hard to understand the devesation you feel down to your core. I wonder what goes through his mind, what he thinks about, what he wants to say but can't. I wonder what he'd be doing right now if Autism hadn't taken ahold of him... would he be intersted in football? Would he be a linebacker? Would he be in the band? Would he be excited about getting his drivers permit, because in my state, you can get your permit at 14 and Max will be 14 next Monday. Would he have a little girlfriend? Would he be an artist or fixing engines like his big brother? What does he want to be when he grows up? What would he be as an adult without autism? The President? A Doctor? A Pilot? An Olympian? Would he want to travel the world, or change the world? It is my hope that someday he could do anything that he wanted to do, and it is my hope that someday he could tell me what those things might be.
Until tomorrow.....
I just noticed looking back through my posts, that I don't have a day 19 hmmmm...
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Day #35
This is a night that is dragging onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...
Max has been crying and screaming for over an hour it is now 12:14 am. Elmo Saves Christmas got wrapped up in his vcr and after ten minutes I finally got it out, got it rewound and put it back in, but the previews don't work. Most of us just fast forward through the previews, but he likes them, and his whole night is ruined, the dogs are panicked because they don't know what to do and I am helpless. What a horrible feeling it is when the simple little things don't work right for him and he gets so upset... and there is not a thing I can do to make it better. Most would say, just get him a dvd player... we have one but all of the movies he likes we have only on vhs. He also has a hard time operating the dvd player alone and likes the Independence he has with the vcr.
Nights like this are not as common as they used to be, but when they happen.. I can feel such anxiety almost over come me, but surprisingly I can still keep it in check. I do pace alot as I might have said in earlier posts, probably walked a million miles in my kitchen over the last few years, back and forth, and back and forth. Imagine all the sights I would have seen out in the world if I had walked those miles on the highway. I'd have souvenirs from all around the country.
Sadly I did not win the lottery tonight, so all the people on my list whose life would have changed if I had... will have to wait till next time. Ya know I believe completely that I will win, every time I play... so I am just shocked when the numbers drawn aren't mine. I have big plans for when I do.... I'll just call it Extreme Makeover... Life Edition. I think it would be the funnest thing in the world to go surprise people with something that could change their life. I wonder if other people that play have a list like I do. What would they do with the money if they won.... What would you do?
Until tomorrow....
Max has been crying and screaming for over an hour it is now 12:14 am. Elmo Saves Christmas got wrapped up in his vcr and after ten minutes I finally got it out, got it rewound and put it back in, but the previews don't work. Most of us just fast forward through the previews, but he likes them, and his whole night is ruined, the dogs are panicked because they don't know what to do and I am helpless. What a horrible feeling it is when the simple little things don't work right for him and he gets so upset... and there is not a thing I can do to make it better. Most would say, just get him a dvd player... we have one but all of the movies he likes we have only on vhs. He also has a hard time operating the dvd player alone and likes the Independence he has with the vcr.
Nights like this are not as common as they used to be, but when they happen.. I can feel such anxiety almost over come me, but surprisingly I can still keep it in check. I do pace alot as I might have said in earlier posts, probably walked a million miles in my kitchen over the last few years, back and forth, and back and forth. Imagine all the sights I would have seen out in the world if I had walked those miles on the highway. I'd have souvenirs from all around the country.
Sadly I did not win the lottery tonight, so all the people on my list whose life would have changed if I had... will have to wait till next time. Ya know I believe completely that I will win, every time I play... so I am just shocked when the numbers drawn aren't mine. I have big plans for when I do.... I'll just call it Extreme Makeover... Life Edition. I think it would be the funnest thing in the world to go surprise people with something that could change their life. I wonder if other people that play have a list like I do. What would they do with the money if they won.... What would you do?
Until tomorrow....
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Day # 34
Laughing all day long...
We woke up today with a completely different vibe in the air. Max was so happy, and he literally laughed all day long. One of the funniest things to him today was a woman on television that was conducting an orchestra. If you've ever watched an orchestra play you know what I mean when I say those conductors really get into it. Her hands flying about, her head moving like a rocker in a heavy metal band. He was thoroughly amused.
He chuckled like a jolly old man, and it was contagious. I was laughing, my Mom, my sis. It was music to our ears, ecspecially after yesterdays majority of unhappiness.
We did our normal driving around town all day, listening to Christmas music, also a pleasant change, because even though we all love Lady GaGa, I was getting tired of listening to Lavender Blonde. If you've heard that song, you know how inappropriate it is for a 13 year old to be listening to, ecspecially with his mother in the McDonalds drive through. We have listened to Lavender Blonde at least I think thats what the song is called I don't have the CD case, for over 3 weeks and nothing else. Max likes alot of songs he shouldn't listen to, like Porn Star Dancing, and a few others. He loves music. He bangs his head and bounces all over the place. We must look like a couple of really strange ones as we pass people on the road. We head bang to everything, even the Carpenters. HA!!
Max LOVES Maroon 5, and Grandma.... well she loves Adam Levine. There is something in Adam Levines voice, just like the singer from Shine Down that he seems to really enjoy. Its nice to find those things that make him happy.
Tonight he went to sleep early so I actually had some time to finish all my laundry... that NEVER happens. Tomorrow Max is going to Grandma's house, his favorite person in the world.
What a good day we had!! Wish they could all be like this.
Until tomorrow....
We woke up today with a completely different vibe in the air. Max was so happy, and he literally laughed all day long. One of the funniest things to him today was a woman on television that was conducting an orchestra. If you've ever watched an orchestra play you know what I mean when I say those conductors really get into it. Her hands flying about, her head moving like a rocker in a heavy metal band. He was thoroughly amused.
He chuckled like a jolly old man, and it was contagious. I was laughing, my Mom, my sis. It was music to our ears, ecspecially after yesterdays majority of unhappiness.
We did our normal driving around town all day, listening to Christmas music, also a pleasant change, because even though we all love Lady GaGa, I was getting tired of listening to Lavender Blonde. If you've heard that song, you know how inappropriate it is for a 13 year old to be listening to, ecspecially with his mother in the McDonalds drive through. We have listened to Lavender Blonde at least I think thats what the song is called I don't have the CD case, for over 3 weeks and nothing else. Max likes alot of songs he shouldn't listen to, like Porn Star Dancing, and a few others. He loves music. He bangs his head and bounces all over the place. We must look like a couple of really strange ones as we pass people on the road. We head bang to everything, even the Carpenters. HA!!
Max LOVES Maroon 5, and Grandma.... well she loves Adam Levine. There is something in Adam Levines voice, just like the singer from Shine Down that he seems to really enjoy. Its nice to find those things that make him happy.
Tonight he went to sleep early so I actually had some time to finish all my laundry... that NEVER happens. Tomorrow Max is going to Grandma's house, his favorite person in the world.
What a good day we had!! Wish they could all be like this.
Until tomorrow....
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Day # 33
Sorry for the inconvenience......
I woke up this morning fully prepared to go through our holiday routine. The house was stocked with all the things Max "might" eat throughout the day, none of them being a part of the meal I was preparing. It never really matters because he is so upset that his entire routine is messed up on Thanksgiving and Christmas..... I literally can feel that giant ball of anxiety swelling in my chest as the day drags on.
We headed off on our thirty minute drive to the truck stop for Wendys, or Taco Bell, the only two places that are open on this day. It has worked for the last couple of years, and he gets through the day, but today was a different story. We passed the McDonalds by the truck stop, only to find that it was open.... so I turned around happily. I thought to myself, YIPPEE they are open, today will be a piece of cake, he can get his french fries.. We pulled up to the drive through only to see a sign that said "We will be open till 11am only serving breakfast, sorry for the inconvenience" I could feel the storm approaching..... as soon as I drove away, he broke down. He didn't understand they only had breakfast. I quickly pulled into the truck stop. First he refused to get out of the vehicle, eventually complying. but stomping his feet all the way to the front dooor. Moments like that, I may have said before, I feel like I must not breathe the entire time because I am feeling so overwhelmed. I bought tacos and french fries, none of which he ate.
All the while people were looking, children were laughing and I felt like beating people up. I thought to myself..... people from all over the country in this place are witnessing what happens when McDonalds closes for the day. They do not know however, that this crying and stomping will go on all day. I just turned on my tunnel vision and got outta there before my big mouth opened and caused a scene.
Max still insisted on McDonalds, so I drove through ordered something he wouldn't eat and headed down the road, my sweet son still crying and pushing away the buffet of options he had before him. We went to Dollar General, bought playdoh and headed home. I had enough time to get the turkey in, and start on all the other things I had to do. Then the dog got out and took off down the street, he never comes when I call him. Jay had to chase him down the road. All the while my turkey was accidently on broil so when I checked it an hour later, the oven bag was burned to the turkey. That took another half hour to fix. Max still unhappy, I'm in more control than usual. Thinking, this would be a great day for the Publishers Clearing House Prize Patrol to bring me a big check.... I'd buy my own McDonalds.
We went back to the truck stop later in the afternoon and he accepted Wendys thank goodness. When we got home he decided he wanted to go to WalMart. Stupid me.... it was after 8 and all the shopping maddness was going on. We walked in that store and there were hundreds of people, lines to the back of the store, sections of the store blocked off, people everywhere. I was nervous that he'd get away from me, I held on to his arm as tight as I could. If he'd of gotten out of my sight, I'd of never found him in that mad house.... but then something amazing happened...... he started to laugh, and laugh uncontrollably. Everywhere he looked there were people, he thought it was funny. Usually that kind of comotion makes him uncomfortable, but tonight it was entertainment.
We got more playdoh and went back home, and hour later he was asleep, and I still haven't done all the dishes. I am thankful for many things, and tonight I am thankful for playdoh, and crazy Thanksgiving shoppers. My son ended the day laughing instead of crying. The dog is home and tomorrow things can get back to normal. Now I have a month to prepare myself for Christmas.
Until tomorrow..........
I woke up this morning fully prepared to go through our holiday routine. The house was stocked with all the things Max "might" eat throughout the day, none of them being a part of the meal I was preparing. It never really matters because he is so upset that his entire routine is messed up on Thanksgiving and Christmas..... I literally can feel that giant ball of anxiety swelling in my chest as the day drags on.
We headed off on our thirty minute drive to the truck stop for Wendys, or Taco Bell, the only two places that are open on this day. It has worked for the last couple of years, and he gets through the day, but today was a different story. We passed the McDonalds by the truck stop, only to find that it was open.... so I turned around happily. I thought to myself, YIPPEE they are open, today will be a piece of cake, he can get his french fries.. We pulled up to the drive through only to see a sign that said "We will be open till 11am only serving breakfast, sorry for the inconvenience" I could feel the storm approaching..... as soon as I drove away, he broke down. He didn't understand they only had breakfast. I quickly pulled into the truck stop. First he refused to get out of the vehicle, eventually complying. but stomping his feet all the way to the front dooor. Moments like that, I may have said before, I feel like I must not breathe the entire time because I am feeling so overwhelmed. I bought tacos and french fries, none of which he ate.
All the while people were looking, children were laughing and I felt like beating people up. I thought to myself..... people from all over the country in this place are witnessing what happens when McDonalds closes for the day. They do not know however, that this crying and stomping will go on all day. I just turned on my tunnel vision and got outta there before my big mouth opened and caused a scene.
Max still insisted on McDonalds, so I drove through ordered something he wouldn't eat and headed down the road, my sweet son still crying and pushing away the buffet of options he had before him. We went to Dollar General, bought playdoh and headed home. I had enough time to get the turkey in, and start on all the other things I had to do. Then the dog got out and took off down the street, he never comes when I call him. Jay had to chase him down the road. All the while my turkey was accidently on broil so when I checked it an hour later, the oven bag was burned to the turkey. That took another half hour to fix. Max still unhappy, I'm in more control than usual. Thinking, this would be a great day for the Publishers Clearing House Prize Patrol to bring me a big check.... I'd buy my own McDonalds.
We went back to the truck stop later in the afternoon and he accepted Wendys thank goodness. When we got home he decided he wanted to go to WalMart. Stupid me.... it was after 8 and all the shopping maddness was going on. We walked in that store and there were hundreds of people, lines to the back of the store, sections of the store blocked off, people everywhere. I was nervous that he'd get away from me, I held on to his arm as tight as I could. If he'd of gotten out of my sight, I'd of never found him in that mad house.... but then something amazing happened...... he started to laugh, and laugh uncontrollably. Everywhere he looked there were people, he thought it was funny. Usually that kind of comotion makes him uncomfortable, but tonight it was entertainment.
We got more playdoh and went back home, and hour later he was asleep, and I still haven't done all the dishes. I am thankful for many things, and tonight I am thankful for playdoh, and crazy Thanksgiving shoppers. My son ended the day laughing instead of crying. The dog is home and tomorrow things can get back to normal. Now I have a month to prepare myself for Christmas.
Until tomorrow..........
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